For many young people, sexuality is an evergreen topic of conversation. However, acceptance of the LGBTQA+ community is very new, and it begs the question, “what is it like for people of older generations to be gay today?” I asked my mothers, Andrea Russell-Mann and Tani Russell-Mann, who are sixty-four and fifty-five about their experiences.
How long have you been married?
Tani – We have been married since February 2016. We wanted to wait until it was legal either in Ohio or federally. We’re getting ready to celebrate our thirty-year anniversary of being together.
Didn’t you get married in the 90s?
Tani – No, we had a little beach ceremony in Provincetown but not a wedding. It wasn’t legal anywhere back then.
Back to the beginning, how old were you when you realized you were gay?
Andrea – I think I was around eleven. I kind of knew because I wasn’t into anything girly; I didn’t play with dolls or anything like that.
Tani – I think I’ve told you this before, but I think I was always gay. I remember being very young and playing with my brother and just wanting to take on a male role, if we were playing house, I wanted to be the dad. I didn’t really have words for it then; I probably realized what it meant when I was in junior high.
How did this realization affect your relationship with your family?
Andrea – It didn’t really affect my relationships because I didn’t talk to my parents much in general. We weren’t a close family. By the time I was old enough to realize I was different, I just assimilated.
Tani – Well, when I was young, it didn’t really affect anything because there was no realization. It wasn’t until I got older that your grandma started to suspect it. She told me she’d rather I am hooked on drugs than be gay.
How old were you when you came out to your parents?
Andrea – I was 18. I had already gone to college, and when I came home, I wanted to hang out with my girlfriend at the time. My parents didn’t want me to go see her and I said, “well, I am going to go see her because I love her” that’s when we had our first conversation about it. After that, they kind of disowned me for a couple of years.
Tani – I came out when I was probably 31. I decided it was time when I was ready to get pregnant with you and your sister.
Did you ever see a future where being gay would be as normalized as it is now?
Andrea – I did not. I didn’t ever think it would be as accepted as it is today. It still depends on where you are, though. In some countries, it is absolutely not okay.
Tani – I think what surprises me, even to this day, is the vast amount of social acceptance, especially among your generation. I sort of thought we would start to get legal rights because some countries in Europe were starting to allow gay marriage.
How has the community changed from then to now?
Andrea – It’s like night and day. I mean, you didn’t talk about it then. You didn’t talk about it at all.
Tani – I think that people are much more comfortable with the outward expression of who they are. It used to be that you would be very heteronormative during the day, out in public, and at work, then, if you were at a gay bar, you could be yourself. But I think now there is that general level of acceptance that is making it so people can be their authentic selves in all parts of their lives.
Is there any homophobia at all in the workforce or in your social circles today?
Andrea – Well, certainly. I mean, at the golf course, there are mainly older people there, and they grew up not being okay with it. I can pick and choose my battles. I don’t have certain conversations with people who aren’t comfortable with it.
Alix – You don’t need to do anything out of respect for someone else’s homophobic thoughts.
Andrea – Right, but we were raised the other way. It’s just that old habits die hard, I guess.
Do you think it’s harder for older generations of the LGBTQ community to sort of push back against homophobia?
Tani – I think that, ultimately, that depends on the individual, but I would say that by and large, older gay people are not as visible, not as open, not as comfortable expressing themselves in public the way younger gay people are. I mean, there are still people in the closet who are our age.
Would you feel comfortable going out in public and showing your relationship or holding hands?
Andrea – I think that would depend on where we were.
Why is that? Is that out of avoidance of confrontation?
Tani – You know honestly I think that it is just kind of ingrained. It just doesn’t occur to us to behave that way because we never have. I’m not sure how comfortable I would be doing it, and I think that has a lot to do with it.
As you can probably guess, my sister and I grew up in a very accepting household. Tani said it was her main goal to raise children who were very tolerant and accepting of all differences, not just the LGBTQA+. I never had to really come to terms with my sexuality or “come out” to my parents. I never felt like I had to conform to one sexuality or label myself. I think part of that is probably growing up in the 21st century in a progressive suburb of Columbus, but also being raised by two mothers. I am incredibly grateful for my parents and am glad I get to share their stories with you.
Interview by Alix Russell-Man.
Graphics by Reem Hinedi.